Shaken

I am badly shaken by the news, my sister gave me.
I couldn't really concentrate on my work.
I had to redo 3 times on 1 entry.
I struggled so hard to keep my composure. I struggled so hard to stop thinking about my grandpa.

My oldest neighbor decided to take his life, himself.

Why uncle? Why?
I wanted to buy you something.
Every time i pass by your unit, i always remind myself.
Once i get a proper job, I'll buy you something.
I know you love your plants.
I remember how you always take the newspaper when you leave for lunch, alone.
I remember you taking a short walking exercise from your unit to the lift and to the staircase.
I remember you walking even though you take a very long time.
I remember you smiling whenever i call you.
I remember you playing your Er Hu.

I remember.

Its not supposed to be like this.
Everyday, I fear if I'll be too late.
But everyday i see how strong you are were even though you are were aging.
Why..
I didn't expect death by choice.

My grandfather didn't have a choice.
But you did...
So why?

But I hope...this is what you think is best..to end whatever misery you are were going through...
Rest in peace, neighbor old grandpa.
Rest in peace....

i am not used to using past tense on life..